Well, it's now March and I haven't written anything for this blog since last September. I would feel guilty about that, but I'm sick of being made to feel guilty about EVERYTHING now that I'm a mom. I feel guilty that I'm staying home with my son, dedicating all my time and energy to him, and yet still I'm far from Supermom. I think I might even suck some days. I feel as though no matter how much I clean my house is still a mess, no matter how much I try to cook healthy meals I still end up feeding my son cereal bars far too often, and because of the aforementioned cooking and cleaning issues I don't often let him do things that would benefit him, like finger painting or playing with a giant rice bucket in the living room. (Yes, other moms actually let their kids do this. I saw it on Pinterest. It's called a sensory bin, check it). I don't actualize any of the "pinspiration" I see other moms posting on their Pinterest boards because I'm just plain tired so often, though for that I thankfully don't feel much guilt -- for that I can blame my son for not sleeping through the night anymore, ever. That coupled with this interesting blog entry and this (albeit rather asinine) article I read recently on the dangers of CIO have led me down the road of sleep deprivation once again.
I'm actually reading a book about mommy guilt right now, The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women, and the freaking book itself is making me feel guilty about choosing to be a stay at home mom. As if my participation in "The Mommy Myth" (participation simply by virtue of the fact that I am trying to be the best mom I can be right now) has somehow rendered void my claim to feminism. Here's the rub: I feel guilty that I don't work right now, as if I'm dragging womankind down in some very real way, but I know I would feel far more guilty if I did decide to work while my son is so young. I'm not saying anyone else SHOULD feel guilty for working while their kids are young, I'm just saying that I would right now. Plus, selfishly, I love having this time with him. Let me qualify that: most of the time I love having this time with him. Once in a while, especially mid-tantrum, I daydream about teaching again. Or doing pretty much anything else that doesn't involve dealing with the tiny demon my son has morphed into because he can't dismantle the entire bookshelf or wear his stained Elmo pj pants in public. I could perhaps avoid the woman guilt by working part time (say, at night while my son is sleeping and my husband is home to "babysit"), but then I would probably go stark raving mad. So I'm stuck with the guilt for now. In any case, I'm not going to let some blog of my own creation (one that few are likely to read) make me feel more guilty than I already do. More on The Mommy Myth later, and perhaps a review. Though it makes me feel like crap, I am enjoying the book (masochistically, maybe); it reminds me a lot of a scholarly version of Torn: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood.
So anyway, I won't try to sum-up all the things we've done in the last six blog-less months (I can't believe it has been that long! Time is flying at lightening speed -- see why I can't work right now? I'll blink and my son will be a teenager). Okay, I will attempt a summary, but in one rambling sentence. Fall was absolutely wonderful, filled with pumpkin patches and costumes; the holidays were great -- Evan totally dug Santa and all the presents (his favorites were an easel, a hand-made kitchen, and a series of pop-up tents and tunnels); and January and February were only okay, but at least the weather has been mild enough this winter to get outside some days. And now it's March and spring is in the air. Some flowers are already popping here in Northern Virginia. I so look forward to warmer days filled with parks and picnics!
